Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
Monday, December 20, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Quotes
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
-- A congressional candidate in Texas .
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
-- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- Lee Iacocca
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-- Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
-- A congressional candidate in Texas .
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
-- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- Lee Iacocca
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-- Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
The Darwins are out!!!!
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped... Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Remember... they walk among us!!!
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped... Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Remember... they walk among us!!!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Friday, November 28, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,! San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered.. Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis, OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!!!................
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name
Monday, December 24, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Homer Simpson's Words of Wisdom
From funny2.com
Ah, beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life's problems.
Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually!
Because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything!
That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car!
Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex! It's also the food preparation.
When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well...all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!
It's like something out of that "twilighty" show about that zone.
Whenever Marge turns on one of her "non-violent" programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for love...
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England!
Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close!
Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
You're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!
Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson.'
I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight!
Apu, you got any Skittle Brau? Never mind, just give me some Duff and a pack of Skittles.
You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.
Mmmmmm - 52 slices of American cheese.
Hey, I asked for ketchup - I'm eatin' salad here!
When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, you know like that movie... "Spaceballs". But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie "Police Academy".
I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy - Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible. It cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.
Here's to alcohol - the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
God bless those pagans.
Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!
If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!
You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.
I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
Woo hoo! 350 dollars! Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline!
Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.
You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.
I hope I didn't brain my damage!
We'll die together, like a father and son should.
Let us celebrate this agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
We're gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays!
First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!
Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.
Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden.
Now, Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.
You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They look as good as they taste. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain't ketchup!
I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun!
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!
Oh, they have Internet on computers now.
Marge I swear, I never thought that you would find out.
Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!
I am so smart, I am so smart, S M R T, I mean S M A R T.
I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge. See ya soon!
Ah, beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life's problems.
Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually!
Because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything!
That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car!
Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex! It's also the food preparation.
When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well...all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!
It's like something out of that "twilighty" show about that zone.
Whenever Marge turns on one of her "non-violent" programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for love...
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England!
Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close!
Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
You're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!
Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson.'
I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight!
Apu, you got any Skittle Brau? Never mind, just give me some Duff and a pack of Skittles.
You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.
Mmmmmm - 52 slices of American cheese.
Hey, I asked for ketchup - I'm eatin' salad here!
When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, you know like that movie... "Spaceballs". But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie "Police Academy".
I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy - Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible. It cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.
Here's to alcohol - the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
God bless those pagans.
Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!
If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!
You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.
I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
Woo hoo! 350 dollars! Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline!
Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.
You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.
I hope I didn't brain my damage!
We'll die together, like a father and son should.
Let us celebrate this agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
We're gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays!
First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!
Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.
Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden.
Now, Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.
You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They look as good as they taste. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain't ketchup!
I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun!
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!
Oh, they have Internet on computers now.
Marge I swear, I never thought that you would find out.
Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!
I am so smart, I am so smart, S M R T, I mean S M A R T.
I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge. See ya soon!
Friday, October 26, 2007
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